It's been a while.....okay, more than a while. Let's take a vote - raise your hand if my blog is the bottom on your list of blogs, because I'm the most outdated blog. Ya. That's what I figured. Well, that's okay...I haven't been that great of company for the last few months, so you didn't miss much.
Actually, you missed a lot. But - in a good way.
Let me interrupt with an important note: I'm sorry for the dramatic intro because the story to follow does not involve any tragedy, horrible illness or shocking news.....but the last year has been dramatic for me and I think that finally writing about it makes me feel like I have come full circle with the situation.
Long story short, my job became my life.
And my "life" wasn't making me happy - as a matter of fact, there were many (well, most) days where my job made me wildly unhappy. To be plain, I wasn't myself anymore. And that truly hurts when you finally wake up and realize something so disappointing and heartbreaking.
So when I finally understood that the burden of my job was more than I wanted or needed to bear, I started praying. Begging, even. God, please, give me a sign that I am not just giving up...please, please, tell me whether you want me here or if you have something else for me. God, why do I feel so torn on what I am supposed to do???
And through such small ways, God really did speak to me. God really did provide direction and clarity.
I didn't have to stay at my job. No shackles, no chains.I kinda laugh at myself looking back on it, because it's easy to assume that the miracle was that he actually talked to me. But let's be honest, the real miracle was that I FINALLY LISTENED. My deepest desire was for him to take the reins for me and - wow! - he did and I let him do it! It was magical. Like riding a bike for the first time, or something.
For so long, I carried this guilt or worry that my desire to quit was just because "I couldn't handle it" or because I was "giving up". But that was all in my head. All of my life, I have taken comfort in knowing that guilt is not from God - but I lost sight of that. It was a cut-throat culture and even to this day, I have to protect myself from hearing too much about what's going on at that company, because that guilt creeps up and again, I feel small.
But the fantastic news is, I have a new job and I have......a work-life balance. As I just typed the phrase "work-life balance", I literally just closed my eyes and took in a deep, deep breath of thanks....it feels so good.